Prajantr, Thoughts and Wanderings

I’ve got wonderful, supportive, considerate friends. Because of that, my weekend was busy and constructive highlighted by laughter and good food. And as the weekend winds down to an end and everyone has gone home, I’m left in a quiet house, learning how to exist with just me again.

It’s an interesting process, learning to be single. There are ups and downs, as I posted previously. I try to stay positive, for the most part, and remember that it will be a good thing to learn to be me again, not as a part of a couple, but standing solo. Every once in a while, I let myself wallow, because that’s a part of the healing process too. Crying happens a lot when I’m alone in the dark, thinking too hard.

When I’m wallowing, there are questions I ask myself. Was I that horrible? Why wasn’t I good enough? Did I push too hard or were my expectations unreasonable?  Why wasn’t I worth trying harder? Did I deserve this?

But those questions are unfair. They’re unfair to him and to me – because in our case, it was just that things weren’t working out. There it is. He needs to find the life that will make him happy. And as a very good friend helped me to understand, I need to build happiness for myself.

So one dark thought hangs in my head in these evenings alone: People like me don’t get happy endings.

That’s partially childish, definitely depressing and most certainly not productive. It’s fear and hurt talking. It’s also cowardly, because it let’s me off the hook from even trying to build my own happily ever after. If I say I won’t ever achieve it, then what’s the point of working to achieve it? What’s the point of learning how to breathe again, of learning to enjoy life again?

I’m not there yet. I’m wallowing a lot. But there is a point to it all and I won’t let myself off the hook. I’m going to be happy again.

It’s time to plan out what seeds I need for spring. Seed starting will be a little late this year as I set my house to rights, but I still plan to have my gardens. In fact, I need to do a few things in them that I didn’t get to in the fall – pruning vines and taming overgrown growth while the plants are dormant. I think I’ll spend a little time each day this week puttering in my winter-dormant gardens, getting ready for spring. It’ll be therapeutic.

Once I can work the soil, I’ll be amending my garden beds with organic material (rabbit poo). There’ll be my favorite sugar snap peas and probably string beans too. This year I’m probably going to grow carrots and zucchini, my favorite tomato varieties and some other veggies. I’m looking forward to that.

I’m debating getting a compost tumbler. I definitely believe it would be a good idea, but it is an added cost during an unexpectedly challenging year and I really don’t know if I’ll still be in the house next year. I can plan for spring, but I can’t plan for the future. Not yet.

Well, this last week has had its ups and downs, obviously. Honestly, there’s been more down than up, but I’m trying to stay positive and constructive.

I think today, it hit me that he’s leaving the house …and me…

I’ve been kind of avoiding thinking too hard about that all week. It’s an inevitability, considering the decision to divorce. Also, it’s best that it happens sooner. All week, I’ve been chatting with friends, working and mostly trying not to fall too deep into thinking about this – not as an avoidance tactic, but just so that I acknowledge the reality and move on without falling into the “depths of despair”. The last thing I need is to wallow any longer in it.

Of course, thinking about other things to avoid thinking about this leads to OVERthinking. But that’s not so bad, is it? It has led to a funny misunderstanding or two, but nothing too bad.

I keep making plans as to how I’m going to start my life again. Honestly, I just don’t know when I’ll be ready to start.

My very good friend, Mandy, has been having adventures in cooking over at her blog: From Delivery to Divine.  I decided to try out her Hungarian Noodle Bake with a couple of tweaks.

First, I decided that I’m too lazy sometimes to remember to cook up additional protein to have with my noodle dishes. Due to some of my medical conditions, I really need to be careful to have the right amount of protein:carb ratio in my meals or I suffer a  little later on in the day. Besides, I’m trying to slim and tone, and you can’t do that binge-ing on carbs, however much it  might be a good time to binge.

Since I was making this very generous casserole with leftovers in mind (meant to be quick meals for the week), I decided to add protein in the form of ground beef. On a similar thought, I also decided to add peas. That way, this massive casserole would be a one dish heat and eat.

Second, I couldn’t get my hands on fine egg noodles so I had to use medium egg noodles. Obviously it would change texture, but since there was ground beef and peas in there I figured that might be ok anyway.

The original dish looks fantastic, and I do plan to make that someday: Hungarian Noodle Bake

But my version turned out pretty nifty. I was very happy with the taste. Warning though, if you want to try either recipe, know that it is a huge casserole and in fact took up two (2!) 9×13 glass pans.

Hungarian Noodle Bake, tweaked

Here’s the recipe including my tweaks:

Ingredients:

• 2 large packages egg noodles, medium
• 1 medium onion, finely chopped
• 3/4 lb. ground beef
• 2 cartons (32 oz) cottage cheese, fine curd
• 1 carton (2 cups) sour cream
• 2 to 3 Tb. Worchestershire sauce
• 1/2 tsp. poppy seeds
• Paprika
• Parmesan Cheese

Preheat oven to 350.

Cook noodles according package directions, drain and set aside. Brown ground beef and onions.

Mix cottage cheese, sour cream, Worcestershire sauce & poppy seeds. Add ground beef and onion, mix thoroughly. Add noodles (estimate this, don’t add all the noodles unless there’s enough ‘sauce’ to keep them moist. I ended up setting about 2 cups or so aside to have with something else).

Turn into large (buttered) baking dish(es). Sprinkle lightly with paprika.

Bake for 30 minutes. Serve with Parmesan cheese

Let’s get to it: My husband asked me for a divorce last Monday.

Immediate question would be why? We’ve had our issues, things we’ve been trying to work on for years now. It was finally time to end the trying. He was tired, I was tired, neither of us was happy. He wants to go out on his own, find what makes him happy. I agree that he needs to do the right thing for him.

In the state of NJ, in order to file for a no-fault divorce, we need to be voluntarily separated for a “cooling off” period of 18 months living at separate addresses. At the end of that 18 months, we will file the papers with the court.

It’s been a long road, and I’m tired too. We’re trying to make this happen on amicable terms, but our decision is solid.  In 18 months, we will be divorced and until then, we’re going our own ways.

Maybe I’ll learn how to breathe again after it stops hurting.

I’m very good at my job. I’m good because a have a wide array of skill sets that allow me to walk into a wide variety of situations and comprehensively understand the situation, troubleshoot issues and remain cognizant of both the technical and the regulatory considerations.

On one hand, I have enough science to understand how the decade of research done for a drug should be presented and what the data means to support that the drug is safe and effective. That’s not a souped up spreadsheet, people, that’s real scientific information I’m reviewing. I also maintain up to date on the regulatory requirements and guidance of health authorities around the world. No one can know it all for every country, but professionals like me know a lot and know where to find the rest.

Add to that the technical understanding of how publishing tools work, how document management systems work, some concept of SQL and Oracle and basic understanding of databases. Add to that XML to support the structure of electronic submissions and knowledge of lifecycle considerations for not only a single submitted sequence but every sequence submitted to an application. I’ve had to go through configuration projects, customization projects, data migration and normalization.

Let’s add the soft skills in there. I’m a strong facilitator with good face to face communication skills. I listen, I remember and I’m almost OCD when it comes to taking notes and meeting minutes. I’m very organized and always follow up. You drop me in front of 250 people and I can speak, authoritatively. You drop me in a reception and I can make connections.  I’m not unique, but those skills sure help.

I’m damned good at my job.

Then, on the side, I maintain my wordpress based blogs. I create a simple (very simple) website here and there.  I have a little fun, like I do right here in this blog.

No. It’s not that hard, for me. But have some freakin’ respect for the knowledge behind what it is that I do, professionally or on the side. Because without those skill sets, everything I do wouldn’t get done. Just because I make it look easy doesn’t mean you can step in and do it (you might, but it’s not a sure thing, and if you can, my company is looking to hire you since they can’t clone me).

I feel better now.

Carry on.

I generally try to be positive. I figure it’s best to be constructive, you know? Today, not so much. Today, I’m having an “I’m FAT” day.

Ok, a brief nod to the positives. I love my friends who tell me I’m beautiful. I know I’ve made good progress in the last year.

Let’s get on to the much needed vent: I’m still fat. I’ve got layers of soft tissue covering the hard earned muscle tone I’ve been building. I put on outfits and take them off again because I ooze out the sides still.  I have plantar fasciitis, most likely due to the huge increase in weight from my school days to the present. Worst of all, I feel lazy.

I don’t want to lose weight and slim down because I want to fit into a certain clothing size. I don’t want to hit a certain number on a scale. I don’t want to look like I did in high school.

I do want to have more energy and fewer aches. I do want to see some nice tone and look into the mirror thinking, “Damn, I’m kinda hot.” I do want to walk around all day and not end up with a limp and awful pain in my left arch/heel.

It’s the new year. Several friends are taking drastic measures to lose weight. I do mean several. Gyms across the country are hitting their high membership season because of other people making new year resolutions to lose weight. Me? I’m going to lose the FAT weight, more drastically than last year, because I want to surpass my progress and get to feeling even better about myself that much faster.

Rawr!