Prajantr, Thoughts and Wanderings

I had my doubts last night when it was 9pm and there was still no snow in my area. Foolish me. When it started to fall, it came down hard and by the time the pooches and I did the last check of the house, there were several inches blanketing the world beyond our doors.

This morning, the pooches were dancing and crossing their little puppy legs, dying to get out there and do their business. So sorry that mommy slept in to 7am! Ok, so I let them out and brought the camera to capture the two of them plunging into the perfect whiteness.

Kaiser makes note that it is STILL snowing outside.

He also makes note that he looks damned impressive, all black and tan against the the pristine white back drop. Dino and Doodles a couple of yards over don’t look nearly as sharp out in their backyard. (The dogs in question are huge lab and even bigger Great Dane, respectively. They come to visit Kaiser and Chelsea occasionally. Neighborhood has a mere 4ft fence limitation. Even Chelsea can conquer a 4 ft fence.)

And of course, Kaiser has to prove that he is fast, even belly-deep in snow:

Of course, if Kaiser is belly-deep in snow, what do you think Chelsea is doing?

She’s a smart girl, my Chelsea, with wisdom that comes with being the oldest dog in the house. She watched Kaiser mess around in the snow for a bit. She hung out where the snow was shallow under the protection of the house overhang.

She thinks Kaiser is a bit foolish, but she uses the trail he broke to wander into the yard and do her business.

But don’t get me wrong. Chelsea loves the snow too. She just prefers it under foot and not up to her ears.

And she does like the taste of snow. She likes to shove her muzzle in it and come out with a snowflake frosted face.

Both pooches came in happy and submitted to being towelled down gracefully. They are now napping while I brew up some spiked hot chocolate. You know, the real kind made with milk and not hot water, rich with dark chocolate shavings and not just cocoa powder.

It’s a fantastic day to stay snugged up inside the house.

Yes, yes – the informercial for P90X is designed to attract people. But honestly, it’s a good informercial. I am tempted, so it has done it’s job.

But really, what do you think? Should I give it a go?

Pros:

• Now is a great time to commit to something like the P90X program. It’s a good time to take action and make a big change in my life. Goodness knows I’ve been griping about my fitness level for a long time.
• It is portable. Since I travel a lot, this is very convenient. Most hotels do have fitness centers, but they generally suck and/or have creepy strangers in there that make me feel uncomfortable. So mostly, I won’t go to hotel fitness centers.
• It is hard core. I enjoy the low impact workouts for their benefits and the mental/emotional peace they provide. To really effect a change in my physique, I need heavy duty to challenge me in addition to that.

Cons:

• I already have a gym membership. I’d like to keep going there at least twice a week, if only for the classes and the pool. I also like several types of equipment they have that give me a workout I can’t do at home.
• I already do a pretty good job of working out at home and have a couple of fitness dvds and whatnot that supplement my workouts. Do I really need another one?

I am undecided. It is tempting, for sure.

I’ve got wonderful, supportive, considerate friends. Because of that, my weekend was busy and constructive highlighted by laughter and good food. And as the weekend winds down to an end and everyone has gone home, I’m left in a quiet house, learning how to exist with just me again.

It’s an interesting process, learning to be single. There are ups and downs, as I posted previously. I try to stay positive, for the most part, and remember that it will be a good thing to learn to be me again, not as a part of a couple, but standing solo. Every once in a while, I let myself wallow, because that’s a part of the healing process too. Crying happens a lot when I’m alone in the dark, thinking too hard.

When I’m wallowing, there are questions I ask myself. Was I that horrible? Why wasn’t I good enough? Did I push too hard or were my expectations unreasonable?  Why wasn’t I worth trying harder? Did I deserve this?

But those questions are unfair. They’re unfair to him and to me – because in our case, it was just that things weren’t working out. There it is. He needs to find the life that will make him happy. And as a very good friend helped me to understand, I need to build happiness for myself.

So one dark thought hangs in my head in these evenings alone: People like me don’t get happy endings.

That’s partially childish, definitely depressing and most certainly not productive. It’s fear and hurt talking. It’s also cowardly, because it let’s me off the hook from even trying to build my own happily ever after. If I say I won’t ever achieve it, then what’s the point of working to achieve it? What’s the point of learning how to breathe again, of learning to enjoy life again?

I’m not there yet. I’m wallowing a lot. But there is a point to it all and I won’t let myself off the hook. I’m going to be happy again.

It’s time to plan out what seeds I need for spring. Seed starting will be a little late this year as I set my house to rights, but I still plan to have my gardens. In fact, I need to do a few things in them that I didn’t get to in the fall – pruning vines and taming overgrown growth while the plants are dormant. I think I’ll spend a little time each day this week puttering in my winter-dormant gardens, getting ready for spring. It’ll be therapeutic.

Once I can work the soil, I’ll be amending my garden beds with organic material (rabbit poo). There’ll be my favorite sugar snap peas and probably string beans too. This year I’m probably going to grow carrots and zucchini, my favorite tomato varieties and some other veggies. I’m looking forward to that.

I’m debating getting a compost tumbler. I definitely believe it would be a good idea, but it is an added cost during an unexpectedly challenging year and I really don’t know if I’ll still be in the house next year. I can plan for spring, but I can’t plan for the future. Not yet.

Well, this last week has had its ups and downs, obviously. Honestly, there’s been more down than up, but I’m trying to stay positive and constructive.

I think today, it hit me that he’s leaving the house …and me…

I’ve been kind of avoiding thinking too hard about that all week. It’s an inevitability, considering the decision to divorce. Also, it’s best that it happens sooner. All week, I’ve been chatting with friends, working and mostly trying not to fall too deep into thinking about this – not as an avoidance tactic, but just so that I acknowledge the reality and move on without falling into the “depths of despair”. The last thing I need is to wallow any longer in it.

Of course, thinking about other things to avoid thinking about this leads to OVERthinking. But that’s not so bad, is it? It has led to a funny misunderstanding or two, but nothing too bad.

I keep making plans as to how I’m going to start my life again. Honestly, I just don’t know when I’ll be ready to start.

My very good friend, Mandy, has been having adventures in cooking over at her blog: From Delivery to Divine.  I decided to try out her Hungarian Noodle Bake with a couple of tweaks.

First, I decided that I’m too lazy sometimes to remember to cook up additional protein to have with my noodle dishes. Due to some of my medical conditions, I really need to be careful to have the right amount of protein:carb ratio in my meals or I suffer a  little later on in the day. Besides, I’m trying to slim and tone, and you can’t do that binge-ing on carbs, however much it  might be a good time to binge.

Since I was making this very generous casserole with leftovers in mind (meant to be quick meals for the week), I decided to add protein in the form of ground beef. On a similar thought, I also decided to add peas. That way, this massive casserole would be a one dish heat and eat.

Second, I couldn’t get my hands on fine egg noodles so I had to use medium egg noodles. Obviously it would change texture, but since there was ground beef and peas in there I figured that might be ok anyway.

The original dish looks fantastic, and I do plan to make that someday: Hungarian Noodle Bake

But my version turned out pretty nifty. I was very happy with the taste. Warning though, if you want to try either recipe, know that it is a huge casserole and in fact took up two (2!) 9×13 glass pans.

Hungarian Noodle Bake, tweaked

Here’s the recipe including my tweaks:

Ingredients:

• 2 large packages egg noodles, medium
• 1 medium onion, finely chopped
• 3/4 lb. ground beef
• 2 cartons (32 oz) cottage cheese, fine curd
• 1 carton (2 cups) sour cream
• 2 to 3 Tb. Worchestershire sauce
• 1/2 tsp. poppy seeds
• Paprika
• Parmesan Cheese

Preheat oven to 350.

Cook noodles according package directions, drain and set aside. Brown ground beef and onions.

Mix cottage cheese, sour cream, Worcestershire sauce & poppy seeds. Add ground beef and onion, mix thoroughly. Add noodles (estimate this, don’t add all the noodles unless there’s enough ’sauce’ to keep them moist. I ended up setting about 2 cups or so aside to have with something else).

Turn into large (buttered) baking dish(es). Sprinkle lightly with paprika.

Bake for 30 minutes. Serve with Parmesan cheese

Let’s get to it: My husband asked me for a divorce last Monday.

Immediate question would be why? We’ve had our issues, things we’ve been trying to work on for years now. It was finally time to end the trying. He was tired, I was tired, neither of us was happy. He wants to go out on his own, find what makes him happy. I agree that he needs to do the right thing for him.

In the state of NJ, in order to file for a no-fault divorce, we need to be voluntarily separated for a “cooling off” period of 18 months living at separate addresses. At the end of that 18 months, we will file the papers with the court.

It’s been a long road, and I’m tired too. We’re trying to make this happen on amicable terms, but our decision is solid.  In 18 months, we will be divorced and until then, we’re going our own ways.

Maybe I’ll learn how to breathe again after it stops hurting.